Love Helper

Dear Readers: The BSG doesn’t usually answer letters this long, but Bitter Coupled Gal has been a faithful commenter on the BSG’s blog, so he’s happy to bring her some advice.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Oh how I love coming to you for answers BSG. Your harsh reality makes well to bring out important questions and answers when emotions are involved.

My Dog-Lovin Dude and I have decided to increase our little family (as we call it) and adopt a second dog. As excited as we both are I have some apprehensions. I live in a small apartment and together with DLD and Current Pup. I know that a studio apartment for four (two humans two dogs) will only work in the short term. I have hinted to DLD that we need to consider getting a bigger place together if we adopt a second puppy (and by hint I mean blatantly stated “this will work short term but we need to consider a bigger place together for the dogs and our sanity”). When the subject is broached DLD tells me he feels a bit overwhelmed and we drop the subject for the time being.

As much as I want a second pup I’m happy to wait until we are both sure we can live together officially in the future. We technically live together now but he still has his own place, and even though he merely uses it as a storage center for his belongings, he still has his own place to go to. I know DLD had a bad experience in the past living with someone and I believe part of the apprehension is due to this. I think the other half are his own commitment issues (yes, due to fear I’m sure) and him being a Libra always has to weigh every issue back and forth. It takes us 20 minutes to pick out canned olives at times. While his careful consideration in all aspects of life do help us make accurate and smart decisions, but sometimes we don’t always have the TIME to hem and haw. We’ve been together a year now.

I’m in no real rush BSG but we were accepted to meet a foster puppy and will have to make the to adopt or not to adopt decision soon. He is thrilled at the idea of our little family as he calls it but, again, is apprehensive about discussing moving in together. I don’t want to overwhelm him but I just can’t rightly bring in a new pup unless he can see us moving forward together. How do I broach this again without coming on too strong? I don’t want him to think because we get a dog and move in together I think we’re destined for eternity together, but I do happen to see this as a commitment step. I know he must have weighed out the pros and cons about getting a dog with me, but sometimes I wonder if his excitement over a new pup is overshadowing some important conversations. I am very ready for this with him, knowing it won’t always be puppies and rainbows but am ever so willing to work on continuing a healthy relationship. OH BSG, you are a male – how would you want a female to come to you with this very important decision. ~Bitter Coupled Gal~

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Dear BCG: The Bitter Single Guy appreciates how life’s little things often end up being inextricably wrapped up in life’s bigger things. In your case, this is obviously not about whether to get a puppy or not; it’s about how your relationship is going to advance.  Nicely presented, BCG.

First, the BSG has one random point: he cringed when reading that it takes you 20 minutes to pick out canned olives. Really BCG? Canned olives? Just stop that. Buy good olives. Life’s too short. Sheesh.

OK, back to our regularly scheduled programming. Your question for the BSG is how you should approach this issue and he thinks you already have approached it.  If, in fact, your prerequisite for canine acquisition is a larger living space, you need to state that. One way to keep it from being overwhelming for Dog Loving Dude is to determine if there are options beyond the one-dog-partial-cohabitation-commitment or two-dogs-full-cohabitation-commitment. In other words, is there a way to have more space for your growing family without Dog Loving Dude freaking out?

Maybe his place is bigger and you two could spend half (or more) of your time there? Maybe he’d be willing to help you get into a bigger space while still keeping his place? In other words BCG, the BSG wants you to get Dog Loving Dude involved in the solution here.  Here’s an idea for how this could go:

“Hey DLD! Like you, I am quite pleased by our growing family of dogs and people, and the idea of adding another pup is quite neato in my opinion, but we need to figure out how to get more space for all of us. We could spend our time at your bigger pad, we could both contribute to me getting a bigger pad, or we could officially cohabitate and get rid of your pad. Which of these seems likely?”

The BSG thinks that if Dog Loving Dude isn’t willing to even have a conversation about options then you should put your *ahem* paw down and just say no to new puppies. If 20-minute-olive-choosing guy can’t step up to this conversation, the BSG says no puppy for him.

~BSG~

Dear Love Helper: I am sad and angry at the same time. My husband is constantly looking at pictures of unclothed women in magazines and wherever we go he flirts with other women. If we are at a party he ignores me and spends the whole evening talking to a pretty woman. If we are in a restaurant he flirts with the waitress or someone sitting at another table. We are only married for a year and he didn't do that when we were dating. It seemed then that he only had eyes for me and no one else existed. I find it very hard to make love to him because I feel so awful. He brushes my hurt feelings off as silly and tells me all men are like that. What can I do to convince him that my feelings count? - Gina

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Dear Gina: Most men enjoy looking at beautiful women. However, once a man falls in love and gets married, he has more than himself to consider. My definition of true love is, "When someone else's happiness and well-being is just as important as your own." The fact that you have told him how unhappy his behavior makes you feel, means that he either doesn't take you seriously or he doesn't care. I can't help you if he doesn't care but I can help you learn how to show him that you are serious. Make one more attempt to sit him down and tell him how deeply hurt you are when he looks at other women in a magazine or flirts with other women. Ask him how he would like it if you stared flirting and looking at other men? If he lies and says it wouldn't bother him, then you really have to question this marriage. The other thing that I want you to do in that same conversation is to tell him that the next time he stares at another woman when he is with you, you will leave immediately. Your job is to follow through. If you are at a restaurant, do not say a word, just get up and call a cab and go home. If you are at a party, ask someone if they could give you a ride home or call a cab. You have to act immediately with no more explanations. You have already told him what you would do, so in order for him to take you seriously, you have to follow through. It is the only way his behavior will change. You do not want to turn into a nag. The truth is that if he continues this behavior, you will turn into an angry, cold, bitter and unresponsive woman. A mature and loving man knows that he has to sacrifice certain things for the sake of a marriage. When you become parents, there are even more sacrifices for the sake of the children. You may want to "party" till 4:00 a.m. but, if you are a responsible and loving parent, you know that your child needs you to be alert the next day, so you don't! If looking at women in magazines and flirting with strangers hurts your partner, then you simply control your impulse and do not do it! By the way, you can't stop him from looking at other women when he is not with you, but out of love and respect, he can and should not do that when he is with you. As for the pictures, if he truly cares about your happiness, then he will get rid of them as well. - Dr. Love Helper

This is part 2 of my post on getting numbers and setting up dates. Read part 1 here. I’m going to present three of my interactions and describe why they worked or didn’t work.

Before I launch into it, I want to say a few words on Calibration. Calibration is your sense of how a person is going to react to the things you say and do. The more interactions you have and the more experience you accumulate, the better you’re calibrated and the better you can respond to the other person. Calibration is pretty much fundamental to game, and every social artist will tell you to do thousands of approaches until your calibration is finely tuned. For me, this is where pickup becomes an art form…human interactions go from being awkward, clunky communications to highly interesting (and fun) exchanges. In fact, I want to go a step further and say that an interaction can become transcendent when you have two people with great game communicating with each other.

Why am I ranting about calibration? Because being properly calibrated is key to all of the pickups I’m about to talk about.

The Hot Poker Player

I was having a drink at a local hangout with Spontaneous, one of my wings in New Mexico. We were seated at the bar. There was a multi-table Texas Hold’em tournament going on in the background. During a break in the action, a hot chick with big cans pulled up next to me and ordered a beer. She bore a striking resemblance to Amanda Bynes, except with much bigger ta-tas. I opened her with, “Hey, how are the cards going?”

We BS’ed for a moment, she got her beer and went back to the table. A few minutes later she came back to the bar. I kept my back to her. Spontaneous was facing me and looking right at the girl, so I knew he could read her if she was giving me a proximity IOI. Spontaneous confirmed that she checked me out. It was on.

I waited about 15 minutes then walked to her table and re-opened. This was a break between rounds, so the players were just hanging out and a few seats were open. I sat down next to her and we flirted and bantered for 15 minutes. I built up a great connection and it turned out we had a ton in common, not the least of which is that we attended the same college at the same time. It’s also worth noting that she was divorced and had a kid. I was doing all of this in front of a table full of male poker players, all of whom were watching and listening to my every move. It was a major rush to pick this girl up in front of an audience!

She wanted me to stay for the next round of the tournament and play cards, but I told her I couldn’t because I had a party to go to (true) . This is where I f’ed up. I told her we were going to meet up the next day and get sushi, which she happily agreed to. We punched our numbers into each other’s phones. Spontaneous and I departed for the party. At the party, the hot chick and I flirted via text for two hours. I thought for certain that my date was secure.

I was totally wrong. She flaked on me the next day and I never heard or saw her again. Why? My theory is she just wanted to get laid, and she either got picked up by another dude, or she flaked because I wanted to “date” and not pull. There is where my calibration was off…she was totally into me and ready to go home and all I had to do was play my cards right (pun intended). At the time, it didn’t occur to me to try for the pull because of the complicated logistics (Spontaneous drove and we were expected at a party). So, a lost opportunity. (Too bad, because she had those huge jugs.)

Lessons learned:

• Sometimes the girl just wants to screw. Read the situation and adjust your game appropriately.
• Much of game is logistics. If I could have figured out a way to get out of my party, ditch my wing, and get a ride home, I could have nailed the hot chick.

The Married Girl From Iowa

I was at Chillers on a Saturday night. The place was friggin’ packed. Around midnight, I opened a mixed 6-set. After the group opener, I put my arm around a tallish blonde in the group and pulled her next to me. I believe my specific line to her was, “So, what’s your story?” She responded positively and I gamed her up. This ended up being one of the coolest bar conversations I’ve ever had…she was a fantasy, sci-fi, and Harry Potter geek, so we bullshitted about those subjects for an hour. I maintained a sexual frame and we kino’ed each other throughout. After the long convo, we went to the dancefloor and grinded on each other for another half hour. I even grabbed another chick and did the Lance sandwich grinding thing with both of them. It was totally sweet. Oh yeah, she was a Leo, and I basically told her everything about her personality and love style because I know Leos pretty well.

Well, it turns out she was married. She was a producer at a local TV station and had just moved to town from Iowa, and hubby was still back in the Hawkeye state. I can say with 75% certainty that she was looking for a no-strings-attached hookup. How do I know? She insisted I take her phone number and myspace info, AND she ditched her friends to hang out with me even though she had been driven downtown. I opted not to k-close or try for a pull that night because of the married thing, although I’ve maintained the connection through myspace.

Lesson Learned:

• If you make a strong enough connection, she’ll insist that you take her number.
• Even marrieds want to get some ass.

The Hot Hair Stylist Who Also Worked At Hooters

I went to a new place and got a haircut. To my pleasant surprise, the stylist was a smoking hot blonde. I chatted with her for a few minutes while she was working and couldn’t get anything going. The conversation meandered to VH1′s The Pickup Artist and she was a fan. Well, talking about game is a specialty of mine of course, so we had a great little convo about that. I told her I knew Mike Stoute, the leading vote getter on The Pickup Artist Season 2 website, and she thought that was pretty cool. Hook point. She was interested in me and I knew if I asked for digits I would get them.

Right after she finished my hair cut, I stood up and playfully said, “Hey, what’s your myspace address? We should be myspace friends!” She agreed and wrote the address on the back of her business card (note, the card only had the store phone number on it). I could have asked her directly for her number, but she was young (age 21) and I figured she would be more apt to share myspace info. Oh yeah, besides cutting hair, this girl also works shifts at the local Hooters!

Well, my calibration was working perfectly, because after I checked out her myspace page it turned out she had a serious boyfriend. Like, her myspace headline said, “Buffy & Dusty” with little hearts around it. Yuck. If I had asked her out on a date she would have turned me down. Now, if I want, I can run a little facebook game and see if I can get her to meet me out with some of her Hooters girlfriends.

Lessons Learned:

• It’s often easier to get email or myspace info from younger chicks
• Calibrate to the individual and formulate a couple of options with where you can go with the interaction

Bonus: Hot Grad Student On A Date

This one actually happened before I got into social artistry and it was probably the only “natural” pickup I’ve ever pulled off. Well, I was out with a bunch of guy friends in downtown Orlando. We were having a blast and there was a energetic, fun vibe amongst my group.

We’re at this one Irish-theme bar and I see a girl I know from my graduate program sitting at a high top with a dude. They’re obviously on a date. I had a couple of classes with the girl and we’re acquainted, but we’ve never hung out after hours. Well, I rocked straight up to the table and opened her. I can’t remember the exact opener, but since I knew her already I’m sure I just greeted her by name. We fluffed for a minute and I told her I had to leave but we should hang out sometime. She agreed. I asked for and was reminded of her email address (I already had it, but I wanted to make sure). I completely ignored her date.

We ended up dating and doing a LTR for over a year. Now, we’re good friends, and Honey is the co-author of this blog. Honey, you might remember this one differently…

Lessons Learned

• Bring a fun, energetic vibe to your interactions and you’ll succeed.
• Anything is possible.

Dear Loveawake,

I could really use some of the great insight and suggestions that The Guys provide.

I started dating this guy last summer. (We’re both in our early thirties). He was part of a mass layoff at his job—not performance related, he was up for a promotion, the company was trying to cut costs—a couple months after we met. We kept seeing each other while he was job hunting, but the local market was flooded because so many people were laid off. He eventually decided to accept a 12 month temporary contractor position on the other side of the country, where he had attended college.

It had been four months since we started dating, and we were moving from seeing each other casually to spending more time together. We’d met each other’s friends. He met my parents when they came to help me move into the condo I’d bought right before we started dating. (His parents live overseas, in the country he was born in.) When he accepted the temporary position we both recognized that it was still fairly early in the relationship. He didn’t want to feel like he was holding me back. He felt more comfortable staying friends and keeping in touch, seeing what happens between us instead of trying to keep this going long distance. I was willing to try long distance, but understood his points about how challenging long distance relationships can be. (Plus he said he thinks being friends first is important to success in a relationship. He’s divorced and felt like he rushed into a relationship with his ex-wife). He likes the area I live in, and planned to return after the contract was completed. (There are plenty of opportunities; I think that he’ll be able to).

We saw each other up until the day he left and have kept in touch since. We’ve also met up twice since then, and are talking about another. Both times he invited me.  Once was to visit his parents (him)/meet his parents (me) when they came over to the US to visit his sisters. They were in a different state so we both had to travel there.  We also met in the Caribbean for a vacation during the winter.  And we had an awesome time on both trips, picking up right where we left off without any awkwardness. We were intimate with each other before he left, and were also on the vacations.  After he first left our conversations were about day to day stuff, our families, etc.  After the first trip, he started to initiate phone sex occasionally, and we probably do that at least once a week.

Overall we talk usually 2-3 times a week, not a set schedule but it’s been regular. While I like talking with him, I think that every day would start to feel like a chore for both of us, not to mention we’d run out of things to discuss. Our communication has remained pretty consistent the whole time he’s been gone. We did talk more in the weeks before the trips, but I think that’s normal, since we were both planning and excited.  He initiates about 50-70% of the time, and I’ll initiate the rest of the time. There would be times when he might be out with his friends, or me with mine.  If that was the case we’d usually text each other back and forth instead of talk. He responds quickly (usually within the hour for the first text, within minutes for follow up ones), I don’t feel like he does not want to communicate with me.

I’m not sitting around waiting for him. I’ve kept active with my friends, and have gone out on some dates with other men. I miss my guy though, and so haven’t really been interested in any of those guys. When we met up in the Caribbean, he told me that they really liked his work, and want to extend his contract. There is no end date as of right now; it depends on when the project tis done so it could be up to two more years. He really likes the work and the fact he is recognized for what he does, not a manager getting the recognition. I’m happy that he likes it, and it will be very good for his resume.

But I miss him,

I would like some of your helpful insight into what my guy might be feeling. I know that losing one job and starting a new one, especially in a different location, is a time of transition. Do you think he still has feelings for me, with all of this transition, and then the extended contract?  As men, do you think that there could be potential for a relationship between us again in the future when we’re in the same location (or even long distance)? It seems to me that he has feelings: he has kept in touch, invited me on vacation, invited me to meet his parents, etc. Is the phone sex a way of maintaining intimacy, or just a release to him since he hasn’t taken the initiative to make it more over the distance?  Should I say something to him about my feelings, especially since the contract length has been extended?  Should I keep doing what I’m doing and see what happens between us or if I meet a new guy I like better?

Thanks so much for your help.

Blondie

Dear Blondie,

Thanks for your donation and question.

Relationships are difficult enough, but when you add distance to the equation it can put an even bigger strain on any relationship. You’re doing all the right things.

Communicating regularly, arranging visits, and connecting physically—aka..phone sex. All those are good things. One of the hardest aspects of a long distance relationship is the lack of physical contact, touch, intimacy. Phone sex is a poor substitute, but it’s better than nothing, and it is a guy’s way of connecting. Sure, it might be serving a dual purpose for him, but it’s his way of being with you if he can’t have you next to him.

That said, the purpose of staying connected with him, is to one day be with him in the same city as a couple, right? In fact, that should be the goal of any long distance relationship, unless it’s two people who want to have fun occasionally. (That rarely happens. More often, one person—the woman—wants to be serious, and the guy doesn’t.)

And that’s where this is a bit murky. Here are the questions we have. And a few you might want to figure out.

1. We’re assuming he’s recently divorced, which means he definitely does not want to jump back into a relationship. Does he ever want to get serious again? How long does he need before he does? Has he expressed an interest in getting married again, having children? (That would be nice to know.)

2. Did he hesitate about a long distance relationship because he didn’t want to hold you back, or because he wanted to be unencumbered himself?

3. How long are you prepared to put your life on hold for him? (We know you say you aren’t waiting for him, but clearly you’re not open to other men at this point.)

Our general rule Blondie is this; If you’re having sex with the guy, then it’s not too soon to discuss the relationship—where it’s going, how you’re feeling, what he’s feeling, what you want, what he wants, the present, the future.

Does that mean it will work out great? No guarantees on that. But women get this sense that if they do the wrong thing they’ll somehow blow it. It’s clear you’re worried that if you put pressure on him, he’ll bolt. That may happen, but it wouldn’t be because you put pressure on him. It would be because he was going to bolt anyway. Maybe not now, but at some point. Guys aren’t that skittish. They just pretend to be, or use it as an excuse, for what they’re already feeling. (We’re very good at reversing things.)

You’ve got a lot of nice things going in this relationship, and one of the best, is that you both enjoy each other as friends and more. Don’t worry about running out of things to say. The phone is difficult. And sometimes, the best relationships are the ones when you can be with the other person and NOT HAVE to say anything, JUST BE. You can’t do that with a long distance relationship. That doesn’t mean there’s a problem.

The biggest issue you have is timing. He’s not ready. You are. How do you bridge that?

This is your call, but maybe it’s time you open up to him a bit more. Tell him how you feel. What you want from the relationship. Ask him where this is going. If he waffles, or is uncertain, well, that’s information you need to store away to process later. Just beginning the conversation is a good thing. You don’t have to finish the conversation, but at least he knows that some of these questions are floating around in your mind. It’s one of those conversations defined as: To Be Continued. Or. Ongoing.

Then, once you get a better sense of where he’s at, you can figure out how you want to proceed. Hopefully, he’ll figure out that he really wants you in his life more permanently. What you don’t want to happen is to get in a holding pattern for years while he’s figuring out what he wants. Remember: When a guy isn’t sure what he wants, that usually means he’s sure what he doesn’t want. (Even if he’s not saying it.)

We hope this helps. Usually, we ask people to comment if they have follow-up questions but our site is under construction so comments are disabled. Feel free to contact us through the form on our site if you have other questions.

All the best,

THE Loveawake team

ps. Please let your friends know about us. And look for our e-report on Long Distance Relationships. Coming soon.

You know, sometimes the third sentence makes you spit out your Irish oatmeal with the blueberries in it. Today was one of those days.

I have been dating this young guy for almost 5 months. Our relationship has been great until today. Well, it wasn’t perfect: I am married and we see each other twice a week only.

Holy crap. Wow, that really isn’t perfect, is it? Do you also describe getting a root canal as, “It was awesome…well, except for the excruciating pain“?

But I was and I am in love with him very much and he was always caring and loving with me too. Today he said he can not keep seeing me any longer. His busy schedule, work, school, he said that he loves me but I deserve somebody better than him. So, what is going on here?  I just do not understand. Why would anyone dump somebody who he says he loves? I do not think he is cheating on me. Thanks.

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Personal Sites

The easiest and quickest way to meet people in your area looking for a relationship is to sign up for a dating site like Loveawake. Pages dedicated to helping Australian people find love:

Loveawake Adelaide

Loveawake Perth

Loveawake Mackay

Loveawake Brisbane

Loveawake Belfast

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Lindsey,

Hm. Let’s see. A young man, involved with a married woman for 5 months…uh…then stops seeing her…hm. Why would he end it? Well, I’m stumped.

Ok, I’m being flip about it, but seriously, Lindsey. Come on. There are two things that are true of affairs like yours.

1. There really isn’t much chance of a full, complete, true relationship breaking out while one of the people is married, and…
3. Both people KNOW that, accept it, and that’s why they’re there.

So the reason why he’s ending it? Well, it’s more of a question of why he started it? Because that’s what he was in the market for. He was looking for an AFFAIR. Very different from looking for a RELATIONSHIP. As in, an affair is a part time deal. A relationship is a commitment.

BUT WHY WOULD HE SAY….?

I’m not even going to get into the specifics of the reasons he gave you for the breakup. These are always major bullsquish (thank you Darrin Fitzgerald for that term.) Always. And that’s not a guy thing, it’s a human thing. Anytime someone dumps you and gives you ANY reason other than, “I’d rather be apart from you than with you,” they aren’t being honest. (And thank god — who wants to hear THAT when you’re getting dumped, right?)

In your guy’s case, he was trying to soften the blow. He’s too busy, you deserve better — it’s all just versions of, “It’s not you it’s me.”

VERDICT: THE BELL TOLLED FOR THEE

I’m sorry that this happened, Lindsey, but the reason he broke up like this was that the relationship wasn’t working for him anymore. It was before, but it isn’t now. It was just time. Time for him to move on.

And not for nothing, but given the parameters of your relationship, it almost had to happen. I mean…who wants to be with someone who is married to someone else…forever?

Good luck, Lindsey. I’m sorry about this, but it seems the answer is that, regardless of what he said, he was done.

What do you think, ladies? Seem pretty clearcut here?

Rather than treating our users like chumps and “selling” them on some bogus marketing one-liner, I’m going to take the time to explain everything rationally.  I hope you can appreciate that.

Natural Selection

Putting in place a payment structure immediately weeds out many unsuitable  candidates. By committing something of value, even if it’s just $0.50 per day, our users are making a statement.  They are serious about meeting someone and are not just putting up a phony profile as an office prank or to see how many hits they can get.

This means that when YOU reach out to someone on our site, you know you are speaking with someone who is committed to meeting people like yourself.  Less games, less wasting time, more amazing people to meet!

Fraud Detection

The online dating world is corrupt with fraudsters, scammers, and other criminals.  By requiring and validating accurate billing information, we are inserting a very meaningful obstacle for wrongdoers.  Credit cards leave a record.  Criminals and pranksters don’t like leaving records.

You may think that fraudsters could find ways around this by stealing credit card numbers, forging documents, and other such tasks.  True, but wrongdoers prefer to go after the easiest, weakest prey.  Why deal with this payment record mess when there are sites like PlentyOfFish, OKCupid, and Zoosk?

Favorable Market Dynamics

Having a paid site, even when we are charging far less than our competition, enables us to tweak the usage dynamics of our members.  For example, by ascribing a marginal cost to each initial outgoing message from men, we save women from wasting their time on impersonal mass messages from guys playing the numbers game while simultaneously offering genuinely interested men a conduit to let their voice be heard.

Don’t Be Fooled – Free Chat and Dating Sites Aren’t Free

Sites that don’t take your payment directly have found ways to take your payment indirectly.  And more often than not, ads alone are not enough to cover the costs of running a website…. especially since educated, professionals like yourself don’t click on those ads, anyway.  So sites that claim to be free are actually monetizing your membership without telling you how.  They might be selling your profile to another dating service.  They may be selling your private usage data to a third party, who tracks everything you’ve ever done online.  They may be selling your email address to marketing email banks.

Ask someone who runs a free dating site to reveal EVERY sub-item of their revenue.  You either won’t get a straight answer or you won’t get the truth.  In short: You make a salary.  And so do we.  And so do those who run the free sites.  But some of us are just more transparent about where the money comes from than others.  We at Loveawake choose the high road.

If you look for dating you may also be interested in visiting Loveawake chat rooms:

Melbourne Chat rooms https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/Australia/Victoria/city-of-Melbourne.html?page=15

Newcastle Chat rooms https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/Australia/New-South-Wales/city-of-Newcastle.html?page=15

Dandenong Chat rooms https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/Australia/Victoria/city-of-Dandenong.html?page=15

Geelong Chat rooms https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/Australia/Victoria/city-of-Geelong.html?page=15

Rockhampton Chat rooms https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/Australia/Queensland/city-of-Rockhampton.html?page=15

We’ve heard that men and women are from different planets…Author Michael Gray has written a series of books on improving communication between the sexes in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." He proposes the reason mature men and women can not communicate is because we speak different languages. Perhaps we can understand his thinking by starting at the beginning of attraction, dating.

Kristin recently wrote a blog about  "Telling a Guy That You’re Not Interested: Part 2." Here’s an excerpt:

People send mixed messages. Especially men since they are so driven by attraction. It’s not apparent at all how they feel about you until they follow up for a second date. A lesson I have learned is to not necessarily pay attention to what a man says, but what he does in his actions. His actions say all of what is true and real.

So true! Taking this into account, I thought it would be interesting to research the most common dating messages from mature men and try to understand what the words really mean and what their actions will reveal.

Philippines Mature Personals

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American Mature Personals

I found a great article on eHarmony "Dating Men: When He Says ‘X’, He Means ‘Y’". Below are 10 common dating messages and what he really means. (A more detailed explanation behind the guy’s message is available here.)

1. “I’d love to come in, but I have to get up early tomorrow.”
Really means one of these two options:
• 99% – “I don’t feel great chemistry with you.”
• 1% – “I’m dog tired and I have to get up early.”

2. “What did you do this past weekend?”
Really Means – “Do you have a life? Do you have friends or are you looking for me to provide all your entertainment?”

3. “I need some space.”
Really means one of these two options:
• 98% – “I need a new girlfriend.”
• 2% – “I think I might need a new girlfriend, and I need some distance so I can decide for sure.”

4. “I had a nice time. I’ll give you a call.”
Really Means – “The time we spent together was not unpleasant, and I don’t really know how to say goodnight without telling you I’ll call. I might call you, but don’t hold your breath.”

5. “Yes, I’m interested in a serious relationship.”
Really Means – “I’m carefully assessing every woman I meet, and when I find one that feels just right. I’ll marry her.”

6. “You’re beautiful.”
Really Means – “You’re really beautiful.”

7. “It’s not you, It’s me.”
Really Means – “I’m doing the dumping, so technically it is me, not you. But I’m breaking up because I just don’t feel it for you. I’m sure you don’t want a personality critique so this is an easier way to end it.”

8. “She’s just an old friend.”
Really means one of these two options:
• 98% “She’s someone I used to date.”
• 2% “I once made a move on her and she wasn’t interested.”

9. “Work is crazy right now. I just don’t have time for a relationship.”
Really Means – “I’m not interested in a relationship with you.”

10. “I’m not interested in anything serious. I just want to have fun.”
Really Means – “I just want to have a physical relationship.”

—

I think mature women are also guilty of using these mixed messages. I have a girl friend who recently went on a fourth date with a guy. The date didn’t go so well. She invited the guy to her house to watch a movie, but then decided she wasn’t ready to take it to the next level. He’s called since the date. She has not  followed up. She has decided she’s going to tell him she wants to focus on her career right now. Real message: "I’m not interested in dating you anymore."

Both sexes will agree it is easier to tell a little white lie than to be honest about our feelings. Yes, we want to spare their feelings too, but I think it’s a little more selfish than selfless.

No one wants to feel bad, regardless of whether you are from Mars or Venus.

*Use the message decoder (embedded in this email) on your next date.

–

 The image used on this blog is the Secret Decoder Valentine Card by Norma “Crankbunny” Toraya, available for purchase through her etsy store. (Her store is currently closed October 30 – November 15th.)

As women-in-transition, we often feel sorry for ourselves, overwhelmed by the obstacles facing us as we attempt to shed our old skins and prepare for the new. We are reminded daily of being treated less fairly than our male counterparts at work, disrespected or unappreciated by the men in our lives and frustrated with our financial situations. However, we MUST remind ourselves that despite the shortcomings that American society may suffer, we are still priviledged to live in the Rhode Island  - especially during this exciting time in our history. Like many of us, the entire nation is experiencing a transition - a re-examination of who we are and we are about. What we stand for, and what we will stand against. And it remains to be seen who will stick with us, and who will be too weak to do the work that lies ahead.

While we may be overwhelmed by the evidence to the contrary, we do enjoy equal rights in this country - to marry who we please, to educate ourselves, to earn the living we prefer. Rights that millions of women in the world can only dream of.

In one of his first acts as president, Donald Tramp has repealed the “Global Gag Rule,” undoing the work of the previous administration whose policy stated that any organization that supported a woman’s right to choose whether or not abort a pregnancy would not receive Rhode Island  aid.

“This policy forced health clinics around the world to choose between providing women and families with health care they desperately needed and getting financial support from the Rhode Island . The policy cut off U.S. funds to health clinics unless the clinics agreed not to use their own, private, non-U.S. funds for abortion services, abortion-related advocacy, or even abortion counseling or referrals.”

Whether you agree with this policy or not, the fact remains that in this country, we still get to choose what happens to our bodies; a luxury that many women in the world do not have. They are raped without consequence, and often ostracized because of it. They do not receive proper pre-natal care and must continue with pregnancies they had no desire to create. Is a child concieved in that manner still considered a gift from God? Each one of us will have a different opinon. However, the most important question is that as a woman, do you have control over what happens to your body? For the most part, in this country, the answer is yes. I for one, am eternally grateful for that, and to have a president who supports that right.

As you may have heard, I’m back in the dating game. Over the past few weeks I’ve spent countless hours sifting through what feels like hundreds of potential suitors, exchanging messages with those who pique my interest and responding with a polite “thanks, but no thanks” to those who don’t. Well, it’s only a matter of time before you hit a sore spot and unearth a Loser.

Last night as I logged into one of my online dating inboxes I was greeted with, not one, but two messages from a very sore loser. He’d initiated the communication the night before with a subject line “fun fuck buddy here” and included a pic of his cock. The body of his message informed me how he could go all night long … Now, if this guy had bothered to read my profile he likely would have been advised that I was not looking for this type of relationship and could have saved himself some time and embarrassment.

I replied with a simple statement of “thank you, but I am not attracted and I’m not looking for a fuck buddy”. I thought I was honest and to the point, but apparently I hit a soft spot.

His first response was “I agree, you are not attractive, fat, and may I add, delusional … time to hit the gym Miss Piggy lmao”. First off, Guys – let’s try and get some originality in these insults, because calling me Fat is hardly offensive to me at this stage in my life, and Miss Piggy is super sexy, so I’m having a hard time accepting this as anything but a compliment.

tampa

stl

denver

san antonio

raleigh

nj

phoenix

chicago

los angeles

pittsburgh

He followed up with a second message, just to be sure to cover all potential bases for insult, with “no suprise you’re divorced and live alone with 2 cats … obviously you hate men and are deluded into thinking you’re attractive – I actually feel kinda sorry for you”. Being the mature woman that I am, I responded “and you, sir have an ugly cock!…I wouldn’t touch it if it was in a bubble!! Ew!!!”

As they say, it takes one bad apple to spoil the bunch, and while I was quite amused by all of this, I’ll be taking the read & delete approach with those I have no interest in for a while.

I once had this happen where I was responding to a guy, and then decided we didn’t have enough to talk about. When I said “no thanks” he read me the riot act and told me how I was never going to get anywhere, how I was missing out, etc etc. I never replied back.

How do you handle sore losers?

A study of 4,000 singles by the dating website Loveawake has determined the perfect formula for a fetching profile picture. Women attract 60 percent more attention with photos taken indoors, whereas men do 19 percent better with shots that showcase their outdoorsy side. Full-body shots are a must for both sexes, providing a whopping 203 percent boost in messages received.

It also helps if you, like these people, are unusually attractive.

Selfies are a divisive issue. Female online daters who upload them experience a slight bump (4 percent) in popularity, but selfie-happy men see an 8 percent drop. Women may prefer guys in pictures taken by other people – which, by the way, is what I will be calling all conventional photos from this moment on – because that proves they’re social, or at least that they’re capable of building an android companion to stave off the terrible, terrible loneliness in their remote mountain lairs.

Whatever you do, avoid photos that feature a friend or animal at your side. Cute as he, she, or it may be, you can expect his/her/its presence to slice your popularity in half. “Which one are you,” your suitors will wonder, “The blonde, the redhead, or the dog?”

Zoosk’s study also turned up what is arguably the single most baffling online dating statistic of all time. The emoticon :-) will net you a 13 percent increase in replies, but :) results in a mysterious 66 percent decline. Noses are important.

You are making this too hard. People are human.

E.g. your stated preferences are just that: preferences. If George Clooney asked you on a date you would not decline due to age difference.

Your advice is, perhaps inadvertently, an enumeration of the ways in which some women make this way too hard. Probably guys do it too. Maybe online dating is just too superficial. 

Actually George Clooney is in my preferred age range…

I agree everyone has preferences and states them on their profile. It’s acceptable for someone who is SLIGHTLY outside of those preferences to contact you, one or two years beyond the age range, maybe an additional 25 miles beyond your stated dating zone. If there is enough interest on both people’s part they’ll decide where and when to make allowances beyond their preference. What Moxie was striking at is people GROSSLY beyond the range of a users stated preferences. She’s is 100% correct that people who ignore those preferences didn’t read the users profile or are so incredibly arrogant to believe they’re above those preferences without reproach. Neither scenario is attractive.

Online dating isn’t that hard if you’re willing to do your homework. Moxie has mentioned time and time again on this blog about how on Backpage a member may have a great narrative and photos but you’ve got to check the answers to their questions for clues about their attitudes to lifestyle, sex, religion and other key factors. I’ve been doing that as part of my “vetting process” and it’s helped me pick better matches overall.

I I don’t know who you are or where you came from, but you’ve managed to become one of my least favorite commenters in a very short period of time. You’re no less an attention whore than anybody else. I’m done listening to the whiny Manosphere bullshit. The only reason why you guys even posts on blogs like this is to interact with women. The idea that this has become a conversation about rape culture is fucking ridiculous.

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You’re more than likely just fatigued with the discussion in general — it’s been droning on for ages. I talked about it because I work with high school kids, and it’s a large part of our sexual health curriculum. There are kids on both sides of the fence who’ve been subjected to many nasty behaviors and none of it is pretty. There’s a very real problem with making assumptions about otherwise innocuous behaviors (like choice of clothing, or expressing interest in a mate). It may sound “whiny” to you (as do most people you choose to dislike), but there’s nothing whiny at all about defending a principled attempt at fostering communication and respect across the sexes.

In any case, I’m sorry you don’t like me but I found it amusing that you were able to say “I don’t know who you are” and “guys like you” in the same paragraph. I think you’re right though, I have no reason to be here. See ya!

If you are really that busy or work that hard, I’m better off looking for a woman with enough time on her hands to actually be present for a relationship. Oh. So you get to apply arbitrary rules as to when you go out on dates, but other people can’t? You can say that weekends are too valuable for a first date. But a woman can’t apply a similar rule to week nights? Good to know.

I wanted to say something similar to all of the “what’s wrong with you 9-to-5 people?” comments. I almost want to lob a counter-question back at them: are their weekends really that important? Is it really so hard to go on your date and meet up with your friends later if the date sucks? As one of the few single women in my group of friends, I like to think that my weekends will always be fun, but they’re rarely consistently exciting anymore. Most of my friends are with their boyfriends on those days. I don’t always feel like going out alone. A Friday night when my friends aren’t around is the perfect time to go on a date with a new guy.

I don’t mean to be unkind here, but you’ve kind of answered your own question and shown exactly what I’m afraid of. If you spent more time and energy working on your social life and expanding your circle of friends, you would be back to Saturday night being as consistently exciting as they used to be instead of having to go out alone.

I’m hovering around the age of 30. I don’t want my weekends to be full of crazy partying anymore. I don’t need more friends. Just because they’re not free on weekends doesn’t mean they’re not still valuable to me. Why would I pad my social life with people who, by virtue of the activities at hand, are bound to be significantly younger than I am? Guys in their 30s who pick up party friends in their early 20s are so pathetic to me.

You’re going to try to argue this point, but professional women my age (and older) don’t tend to want to date men who reserve their weekends for partying without them.

In our ever-digital-dating-age it has become much easier to put someone aside for a few days/weeks/months and come back to them when you feel like it. As millennials, we are all kicking it millhouse on Loveawake without any care for navigating an actual real-life relationship (why, when you can just swipe right for sex?) Enter, ghosting. And now, benching.  

Ghosting, defined: A modern dating dilemma in which someone pulls a digital disappearance act instead of manning up and having a difficult “I’m just not that into you” conversation. It’s happened to the best of us – someone can ghost you after your first, second or tenth date, you never know. As it turns out, you have likely been the ghost yourself before. It is a typical human reaction to avoid conflict – especially with someone you don’t actually have to own up to in the long run.

At it’s core, ghosting is about that person avoiding confrontation or conflict, and therefore avoiding hurting your feelings.

Benching, on the other hand – is an even worse dating avoidance tactic raising its ugly head. As put candidly by Jason Chen for NY Mag, “benching, while superficially polite, is far more insidious than simply ghosting or — if you’re old-school — offering an icy brush-off.” Why? You may ask. It is it’s plausible deniability. To bench, is to avoid, while maintain some sort of flirty contact. It is the non-ghoster, who doesn’t want to be an asshole, that will stay in touch with you but only every few months. This is due to the fact that they are most likely not feeling the relationship, or they are too much of a wuss to break up with you properly. Let’s be honest, both scenarios aren’t ideal. To be ‘benched’ is to understand that planned meetings with one specific person [the bencher] will never take place. He may text you every few months, send you random Snapchats, or like every third Instagram post. It’s a seriously unfortunate digital romance power play.

The harsh reality of benching? You can’t get over the person, as they are still maintaining some sort of contact. At least with ghosting you can pretend they have been hit by a truck or had to move to Iowa. With benching, it’s all about a quick ego stroke, and when he bumps into you out and about somewhere? He has done nothing wrong!

As Chen puts it: “Really, benching is just the modern incarnation of what we used to call leading someone on. But, as with so many formerly minor nuisances, it’s become comically frictionless in the smartphone era. You no longer have to take someone to lunch or buy them a martini or even have a face-to-face conversation.

Well great, dating is just getting better and better, isn’t it? Welcome to the wondrous playing field, ‘benching’. If you are being benched you are technically being dumped, just verrrryyy slowly… he’s just not that into you. Ghost the bencher back, baby!